The Truth About Love, and How to Make it Last
We all know that the beginning of relationships can be amazing and intense: you can’t stop thinking about one another, you can’t take your hands off each other, and you can so easily see happily ever after…
Unfortunately, these high vibes and butterflies don’t last for long, right?
This is totally normal! It happened to us too! But there IS a way to make love last beyond the initial “falling in love” phase of any relationship and we’re going to share it with you.
Read on to understand:
Why you need to know the difference between “falling in love” and “co-creating love”;
How to know when you’re in one state versus the other; and
How to transition to a more conscious state when it comes to love, so you can create a thriving relationship!
We hope you gain as much from this knowledge as we have!
The challenge with “love”
Before we begin, lets talk about love. Is love a feeling? An emotion? A chemical? An action? A state of being?
It can be all these things, but one thing is for sure: the first phase of love, when you first meet your crush, is often referred to as the infatuation or euphoric stage because of that notorious yet gratifying sensation of “falling in love”.
David remembers being infatuated with a crush during his teenage years: constantly checking his phone for a reply, trying to bump into the person in the halls, and thinking about her ALL the time!
Why does that happen?
This phase is partially driven by the influx of hormones and neurotransmitters in the brain and it can last anywhere from 3 months to 3 years.
That’s a long time to be hijacked by our chemical activity! No judgment though, it’s just biological hardwiring.
This stage is typically characterized by obsessive thinking and overly positive impressions about the person we’re attracted to. All while being oblivious to potential red flags or other signs that are important to the long-term health and sustainability of the relationship!
That “high” eventually comes to an end. You might drift apart (hopefully without a crisis), you might get locked into a cycle of love/drama, or you might decide work through issues.
But wait… Isn’t there a more proactive and sustainable way?!
Yes!
First, you must know the difference between “falling in love” and “conscious love”.
What does “falling in love” really mean?
The conceptions of “falling in love” differ across cultures. In Western conception, “falling in love” refers to that intense, overwhelming, distracting obsession you have with your crush/love interest.
It also includes the concept of being “in love” with the idea of love, rather than with the actual person.
In this state, you’ll sometimes lose yourself in the experience (e.g. constantly checking your messages for the other person’s reply, checking their social media, etc…) and exhibit behaviour that’s not necessarily balanced, but natural.
The influx of chemicals during this euphoric stage facilitates mating by making our crush become our priority.
Even at the beginning of our own relationship, we wanted to spend every night and day together! It's kind of hilarious now that we look back at it… but totally normal. It can be unsustainable and that's OK because we were able to transition to something more sustainable.
The key is to pay attention to what happens as the “high” comes down. Is there an increased presence of dependency and neediness? Jealousy? Control over the relationship?
Or just the opposite. Is there more distance between you?
Either way, the feeling of infatuation is often fleeting and temporary.
But it’s not all bad!
For us, “falling in love” had its pros and cons: It’s exciting, passionate, and novel at first. But it can become alienating, disappointing, and toxic. That’s why we became so invested in the conception of “co-creating love”.
Transitioning to “Co-creating love”: Maintaining Conscious Love in Your Relationship
“Co-creating love” is good for the long term and is totally possible to transition to after “falling in love”.
You’ll have passionate moments, without losing your sense of self to each other. You’ll feel a sense of deep connection, but still see each other as individuals who can fill their own cups.
In fact, you encourage each other to grow as a couple. Your decisions and perspectives are based on choice and intention rather than blinding desires or fears. In situations where you feel avoidant or needy, you develop the emotional intelligence (EQ) and spiritual intelligence (SQ) to make more informed decisions.
The motto that we teach: We’re two wholes sharing a path, is based on “co-creating (conscious) love".
But it’s not always sunshine and roses!
First, relationships are some of the hardest yet greatest work you’ll even do whether you’re “falling in love” or “co-creating love”. So we’re not saying it’s a walk in the park. This transition and continuation takes conscious commitment to the self and the relationship.
Second, even this conscious approach to love has pros and cons that you need to be aware of. It’s sustainable, fulfilling, and secure. But that sense of closeness can sometimes take away from the intensity of desire, intimacy, and passion.
One really great thing you can to avoid getting enmeshed or co-dependent in the first place is to make room for individuality and freedom within the relationship.
Replace temptations to do everything together and to control your partner’s schedule and associations by deeply appreciating the time that you do spend together and by getting real with the fact that you’re different people. Give one another the space to flourish as individuals and in the relationship.
This will free up space for the desire, intimacy and spark to keep building, for as long as you’re committed to one another.
Hence, two wholes, sharing a path. It’s not static, it’s always in flux, and it’s a bit like a dance.
It’s doable and just requires some awareness, communication, and commitment.
Here are some questions to think about which may encourage the more conscious approach you’re looking for:
Are you currently “falling in love”? Or, are you intentionally “co-creating love”?
If you had to make a choice about which state you’re aiming to experience, which would you choose in this moment?
What’s best for the person you’re becoming? What’s best for the relationship you want to co-create?
What’s one thing you’re doing to make love last? What’s one thing you can do differently to make love last?
We recommend that you write your responses in your journal and add it as a reflection in your daily meditation. Also, let us know if you have any questions!
Connect for even more relationship advice for couples
Having relationship problems? Want to crush those relationship goals with less stress and more ease so you can achieve more, feel more and experience more as a team?
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We’re not two halves, we’re two wholes sharing a path and we’re inviting you to join the movement!
David and Lindsey
Your trusted conscious relationship coaches
P.S. If you loved this article, please share it with a friend who needs it. Your shares help inspire one thriving relationship at a time. Or, read on. Thank you!
